Hole
I haven't written in awhile, and in truth, I've only felt like writing once or twice. Things have progressed in this struggle. My mother is now ten days away from moving out -- officially. Her lease starts in 7 days, but as always, she's eking out as much as she can from this "arrangement". Leading up to this moment, I spent weeks literally fuming. In front of my Gohonzon, I was entertaining thoughts of screaming, violence or worse. There were times I had to physically stop myself from going into her room to wake her up by yelling, only of course I realized that merely made me the bully. I acted on nothing more severe than some strongly worded, aggravated text messages, but even that - and the angry daimoku - in the end made me feel worse.
(I write this in full acknowledgement I have an OCD condition that makes me fear I will do something awful. It is that condition that makes my thoughts feel more real, more imminent than than they are.) I do think it was acceptable, and possibly essential, that I expressed my deep struggle and real thoughts while chanting.
Chad, my natural path, said he didn't know how I could be standing, given the environmental poisoning going on in my mitochondria right now. I told him, well I chant. He put that in his prescription to me, "Continue chanting." Yeah, I got that one.
There was a slight turn about a week ago when my mother "emerged" as she sometimes does, in order to suddenly "be nice" aka simply talk to me. Something resembling making the first move. I very much still kept her at arms length for the first few days, but as I'd written to Sensei, I thought maybe I had moved something. I actually began to wonder why I had thought it was so hard to live with her. Then last night, in response to my positive comments about her new apartment, a barrage of negativity.
"There's a movie theater."
"They don't play first run movies."
"There's games; an Activities DIRECTOR."
"Not board games, just cards."
"There are potluck mixers once a week."
"No, once every two weeks."
"Your apartment is beautiful. I could see myself living there when I am older."
"There's a ROOSTER that wakes you up every morning."
What I see as charming and pastoral, my mother sees as horrific. But then, that's her way.
I finally saw it when I told her it was almost time for the bluebonnets to bloom in Hill Country, which is an annual event in Texas, in the spring. I believe the bluebonnet is the state flower, for just that reason. To illustrate, I showed her a picture of some beautiful wildflowers in a field.
"Those aren't even BLUE," she said. True, they are closer to purple.
But that last comment was her downfallen. Up until that moment, I had been slipping into "old Laura," who constantly takes responsibility to steer my mother in the direction of creating value, seeing value. I caught myself then, and finally said, "Can't you say anything positive? You are so negative."
And then this morning, I woke up at 3 AM as I had been doing, and by 4, I was texting her my angry thoughts. I don't care. I just need to maintain the determination to keep her out of my life. It's harder than it looks.
She really did a number on me as a young person. I chant to erase or rub off that part of my life and karma. But then I realize, it could so easily rear it's ugly head in many other areas, especially with women. Even in the SGI. I am not responsible for other people's happiness. I have to undo that programming. I am responsible for my own human revolution, and supporting others in this practice, working for kosen rufu. I realize I need to read more about this Narcissistic mother thing, as well as possibly continue therapy. I do feel more detached than before. It was good to kick her (and my aunt) off my FB. I'm sure it will feel even better to have her out of the house. Possibly it's part of the house's toxicity.
Although today a glimpse: ultimately, I don't feel I deserve this house without my mother here. It's too big. It's too nice. I instantly think about Jason, Emily and I being some place smaller, cheaper. Maybe not less nice, but less extravagant. It's clear that, down to my bones, I don't feel worth what I easily and generously expect for and offer to other people.
To quote Hole, "Go on, take everything, take everything, take everything, I want you to." When will I want more for myself?
(I write this in full acknowledgement I have an OCD condition that makes me fear I will do something awful. It is that condition that makes my thoughts feel more real, more imminent than than they are.) I do think it was acceptable, and possibly essential, that I expressed my deep struggle and real thoughts while chanting.
Chad, my natural path, said he didn't know how I could be standing, given the environmental poisoning going on in my mitochondria right now. I told him, well I chant. He put that in his prescription to me, "Continue chanting." Yeah, I got that one.
There was a slight turn about a week ago when my mother "emerged" as she sometimes does, in order to suddenly "be nice" aka simply talk to me. Something resembling making the first move. I very much still kept her at arms length for the first few days, but as I'd written to Sensei, I thought maybe I had moved something. I actually began to wonder why I had thought it was so hard to live with her. Then last night, in response to my positive comments about her new apartment, a barrage of negativity.
"There's a movie theater."
"They don't play first run movies."
"There's games; an Activities DIRECTOR."
"Not board games, just cards."
"There are potluck mixers once a week."
"No, once every two weeks."
"Your apartment is beautiful. I could see myself living there when I am older."
"There's a ROOSTER that wakes you up every morning."
What I see as charming and pastoral, my mother sees as horrific. But then, that's her way.
I finally saw it when I told her it was almost time for the bluebonnets to bloom in Hill Country, which is an annual event in Texas, in the spring. I believe the bluebonnet is the state flower, for just that reason. To illustrate, I showed her a picture of some beautiful wildflowers in a field.
"Those aren't even BLUE," she said. True, they are closer to purple.
But that last comment was her downfallen. Up until that moment, I had been slipping into "old Laura," who constantly takes responsibility to steer my mother in the direction of creating value, seeing value. I caught myself then, and finally said, "Can't you say anything positive? You are so negative."
And then this morning, I woke up at 3 AM as I had been doing, and by 4, I was texting her my angry thoughts. I don't care. I just need to maintain the determination to keep her out of my life. It's harder than it looks.
She really did a number on me as a young person. I chant to erase or rub off that part of my life and karma. But then I realize, it could so easily rear it's ugly head in many other areas, especially with women. Even in the SGI. I am not responsible for other people's happiness. I have to undo that programming. I am responsible for my own human revolution, and supporting others in this practice, working for kosen rufu. I realize I need to read more about this Narcissistic mother thing, as well as possibly continue therapy. I do feel more detached than before. It was good to kick her (and my aunt) off my FB. I'm sure it will feel even better to have her out of the house. Possibly it's part of the house's toxicity.
Although today a glimpse: ultimately, I don't feel I deserve this house without my mother here. It's too big. It's too nice. I instantly think about Jason, Emily and I being some place smaller, cheaper. Maybe not less nice, but less extravagant. It's clear that, down to my bones, I don't feel worth what I easily and generously expect for and offer to other people.
To quote Hole, "Go on, take everything, take everything, take everything, I want you to." When will I want more for myself?
Comments
Post a Comment